The magical 5 sentences that transformed my relationship with my partner.

As someone who is proudly on the emotional spectrum, I used to use "NEVER" or "ALWAYS" to capture the essence of my emotions.

Turned out that didn't really do well in a conflict resolution. IYKYK

My partner and I, our intention this year is to work on our relationships, specifically conflict resolution.

I've learned that oftentimes, our words can be violent. We've never learned how to communicate in a non-violent way.

For example, here is something I've learned:

"I feel unseen" "I feel unheard" are not really FEELINGS. When you tell your partner "I feel unheard", you are implying that your partner does not hear you, and that increases the chance of your partner feeling blamed and thus creating more conflict.

Maybe when you feel unheard, you actually feel SAD and HURT.

Ever thought of that?

After a few relationship books and a relationship course, we've learned a method that really helps us contain our feelings while communicating our logic. When I follow these magical 5 sentences, my partner can understand me fully without me accidentally triggering him. I believe that we have avoided countless potential fights and turned conflicts into opportunities for intimacy.​

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Here are the 5 magical sentences. Next time when you are feeling activated, triggered, annoyed, and etc., and would like to communicate with your partner, I invite you to follow the structure of these 5 sentences:

1. I notice .... follow with FACTS. Imagine there is a camera that is capturing what happens. Try to avoid your personal description to what happened.

For example, "I notice that you have been leaving the toilet seats up in the last 3 days"

2. The stories I am making up is .... this is where you can share your interpretation and your narratives. Notice that these are the stories you made up in your mind, and they are not facts.

For example, "The stories I am making up is that you don't care about what matters to me and that my words don't matter to you."

3. I feel .... this is where you share your emotions.

For example, "I feel sad and hurt."

4. I fear ..... this is where you let your partner know about your worst catastrophic fear from this incident.

For example, "I fear that if we decide to embark on a long-term partnership together, there will be more important things that really matter to me, and you wouldn't respect and honour that."

5. What I need is .... this is where you let your partner know what you need, could be a request, reassurance, understanding, or a hug.

For example, "What I need is your understanding, and doing your best to remember to put the toilet seat down."

So when everything is put together, it looks something like this:

"I notice that you have been leaving the toilet seats up in the last 3 days.

The stories I am making up is that you don't care about what matters to me and that my words don't matter to you.

I feel sad and hurt.

I fear that if we decide to embark on long-term partnership together, there will be more important things that really matter to me, and you wouldn't respect and honour that.

What I need is your understanding, and doing your best to remember to put the toilet seat down."

Voila!

Try the magical 5 sentences with your partner or any relationship that requires you to communicate when your needs are not met!

Happy Communicating!