Growing up in an Asian household, I've rarely seen my parents communicating their needs effectively.
So this is the cheat sheet I created that I wish I had for communicating our needs effectively.
We often request our needs not really as OUR NEEDS but as a request for behaviour change.
That can be because it is damn vulnerable to share our needs... so we bypass understanding what we actually need and go straight to telling our partners to behave differently.
This is a list of what you probably think needs are but they are actually not:
I need you to pick up the clothes on the floor
I need you to not justify when I am sharing with you how I feel
I need you to initiate sex
I need you to plan dates proactively
I need you to stop drinking so much
This is a list of what your needs could be:
I need to feel safe
I need to feel relaxed
I need to feel cared for
I need to feel connected with you.
I need some space
I need reassurance from you.
So instead of saying:
Why can't you pick up the clothes on the floor?
Try saying this:
What I need is to feel relaxed when I return home from work. Having a clean and organized space makes me feel relaxed and at home. It would mean the world to me if you could pick up the clothes on the floor.
Why can't you pick up the clothes on the floor?
This language assumes incapability.
This comes up like blaming.
This feels like an attack.
It drives your partner away further from wanting to behave the way you desire him/her/them to. Because unknowingly you are making your partner feel wronged and not good enough.
And boy that's the last thing any of us wants to feel.
I invite you to try this sentence structure to practice communicating your needs to your partner next time:
What I need is _______ (actually consider what you actually need that is irrelevant of your partner's behaviour). It would mean the world to me if ____ (request of your partner's behaviour change)
Yes to more effectively loving conversations!
You got this! <3
With love,
